| Author | Message | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 280 Registered: 05-2005 |
Revised The Willamette is mud puddle brown, logs spiral a slow Bolero under steel bridges, their branches swim and stroke; crooked fingers on black sax. The evening news gives updates on how many feet over the banks. I steal some caution tape from an orange cone to take home and frame. We’ll hang it over the bed. My daughter finds a penny, tosses it over the rail into the flood of ragtime, never asks where stray wood that dunks and dips will go, never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless, never asks about the blankets, cardboard, or castaways under the bridge. Original The Willamette is mud puddle brown, swirling logs under steel bridges, their branches dance and roll; crooked fingers on black sax. The evening news gives updates on how many feet over the banks. I steal a piece of caution tape off an orange cone to take home and frame. We’re going to hang it over the bed. My daughter finds a penny, tosses it over the wall, into the flood of music, never asks where the trees that spin and dip will go, never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless, never asks about the blankets, cardboard, or humans under the bridge. | ||
| R D McManes
Advanced Member Username: mac Post Number: 286 Registered: 03-2001 |
wow, I really like where this one goes and how it gets there. mac Mac | ||
| native dancer
Advanced Member Username: nativedancer Post Number: 293 Registered: 12-2004 |
one can't tell how you feel about your daughter's silence. i had the impression she's rather young. should she be asking those rather large questions? and it's a pretty big leap, after all, from musical trees to humans under the bridge. but big questions make my brain hurt anyway, so maybe i just stumbled into the wrong poem. | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3586 Registered: 07-2003 |
This reads well Steve, I guessed she might be young too, and I wondered about your reaction to her silence...most kids never stop asking questions.  | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1129 Registered: 11-2003 |
Really like this from title to toe. Most esp: never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless, One for the next short list, imho. Happy New Year Michael (MV) | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6215 Registered: 11-1998 |
Powerful, my dear. You know -- so many poems have been done about the homeless -- more bad than good. I didn't think anyone had anything new to bring to the equation. Ah, but I underestimated you. Sorry. This is a "stop you in your tracks and make you think" piece. Not only do you channel the dead (*LOL*), you are visionary. I will learn to respect that. The child as the metaphor for all of us who never ask ourselves these questions is a terrific spin on an old subject. Most of us are just as naive as she. The worst part? She has youth as an excuse. What the hell is our problem? *sigh* And in my quest to make perfection more perfect, I offer these suggestions/questions/edits. Use or don't -- you know what's best: The Willamette is mud puddle brown, swirling logs under steel bridges, (swirling is too easy an adjective, one I would expect an author to choose. Choose another I don't expect) their branches dance and roll; (Could you get more specific and give me a kind of dance? Dance is generic -- great poetry is often extremely specific. If you use a particular kind of dance, instead of the generic dance, you have a chance to put a very definite picture in the reader's mind. One with mood as well as being visual.) crooked fingers on black sax. (This is perfection -- wouldn't have seen it myself, but it absolutely works. I guess me playing all that music has had an effect, no? *wink*) The evening news gives updates on how many feet over the banks. I steal a piece of caution tape [off] (I submit "from" as better than "off", particularly for the sound of "from" against the "frame" that is coming in the next line. And I would move it down so it is on the same line.) (from) an orange cone to take home and frame. We’re going to hang it over the bed. My daughter finds a penny, tosses it over the wall[,] into the flood of music, never asks where the trees that spin and dip will go, never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless, (This couplet is sterling. I think every author hopes to write something this good, with this much impact.) never asks about the blankets, cardboard, or humans ("humans" is good, but a bit sterile in feel. I know you will probably disagree with me, but I wanted another word for human there. Ironically, one that is more human.) under the bridge. Not much to offer you, but then again, you don't leave much room these days for improvement. Come to me after you have read this, and we will argue back and forth. I will lose, as I normally do, but I do love a good debate about writing with a superb author. Love, M | ||
| KA
Advanced Member Username: kerryann Post Number: 138 Registered: 10-2002 |
Very good poem, steve. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed the line "never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless". It was actually a tiny surprise for me that you put "...the way people become homeless" instead of "...and people become homeless." I like that. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6111 Registered: 07-2001 |
My daughter finds a penny, tosses it over the wall, into the flood of music, never asks where the trees that spin and dip will go, never asks how trees become logs the way people become homeless, never asks about the blankets, cardboard, or humans under the bridge. Steve, for me a poem within the poem. I watched the Santiam rise, knowing if this keeps up many will flood. Indeed one for the short list. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed http://www.lulu.com/content/178110 . The Dawg House http://garydawg.blogspot.com/ . December's FireWeed http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 282 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi all doing a revision will post soon. Mac, thx much for the read. yes this one is moving right along, kinda wrote itself. Jim and Zeph, i put her in here as a comparison to show how unaware we can be, and no i didn't expect her to ask those questions, just noted that she didn't ask them, nor does the news station or many of us etc. mr MV, appreciate your thoughts, good as always to hear from you. my dear M, yep you're on the money, i always say you're the best editor on the planet, as usual you do that title justice . hi K thx for what you notice and for the time to read and respond. Mr. B. i grew up near the molalla river just south of here, flooding was an annual event, you'd think more of us would build our houses on stilts . you do much here, thx for always being here. s | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6227 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dear Heart -- thanks so much for the compliment. Best editor on the planet, eh? Can I get that on a t-shirt or coffee mug or something? And in that best editor vein, I have a complaint. You f**ked up the first verse, baby. You can't take out the reference to dance (i.e., music). Now your "crooked fingers on black sax" is hanging there with its ass exposed. No prior reference to anything musical as a set-up and so the metaphor is coming out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You got ragtime later. That's delicious and delectable, but it's furthering the musical undertone in a later passage. You still need an introduction up there in the first verse to dress the metaphor properly. Puts some pants on it, so to speak. I usually have nothing against naked asses, but in this case, I think you need to cover yourself. *grin* And would you please discard that comma after "over the wall"? You're a little comma heavy in the end and one less would be welcome on the eyes. Other than that, this one is nailed. Or whatever they say when you finally get a piece cooked to perfection. Is there some musical term for that? *LOL* Love, M P.S. Loved "castaways" -- applicable to logs as well as people and has that water feel. Good thing I didn't think of it, though, as you never would have used it. *hahahahaha* | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 283 Registered: 05-2005 |
OMG, yep i did do that didn't I, sigh. I'll get back to you tomorrow... much love s | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 676 Registered: 10-2005 |
"Now your "crooked fingers on black sax" is hanging there with its ass exposed." I never thought I'd hear M say such a thing! Looking forward to the edit. Like this very much so far, steve. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6230 Registered: 11-1998 |
Oh, I know lots of cuss words, Laz. I'm even multilingual in that regard. I can cuss in Italian and Spanish too! *LOL* Do not be fooled by my rather reserved demeanor here at WPF. After all, I do run a poetry forum with the word "Wild" in the title, don't I? And in my former life, I was married to two musicians. That sorta necessitates very late nights, lots of questionable activities (Oh, my!), and I think cussing is a requirement, if I'm not mistaken. The prim little school teacher/librarian thang is just a front.  Love, M | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 677 Registered: 10-2005 |
I hate to get too far off topic M, but it wasn't so much the cussing as the whole effect of the lines that got me! Many of us, I'm sure, have many different lives we've lived. Yours sounds very interesting indeed! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: admin Post Number: 31 Registered: 11-1998 |
Ah, I see. I wouldn't say this to just anyone, Laz. I might get slapped. steve is used to me. He's heard me say weirder things than this, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whether you're steve or not *LOL*). Mmmmmmm, now that I think about it, perhaps the line would make for a good start to a poem: Now your crooked fingers on black sax is hanging there with its ass exposed. I'll have to ask steve if I can borrow his phrase, huh? Somethin' tells me he ain't gonna let me have it! Kinda sounds like a john hilty title! *grin* Love, M | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 467 Registered: 08-2004 |
steve, How wonderful your thoughts especially now, and, it seems, so much more often lately. I really love the tape, and daughter tossing the coin.. that'll stick for quite a long time with me. Thanks. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 285 Registered: 05-2005 |
LOL yep Laz, M can cut loose when she wants to . thx for coming by Karen, glad to hear part of this is dear to you. and my dear M, ok better now?? love s | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 678 Registered: 10-2005 |
Wonderful poem Steve. Is this an historical flood that I should know? It is, beyond that, a testement to the peower of nature and the unknown source of our own powers. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6235 Registered: 11-1998 |
 You know I never dance unless I really like it! *LOL* Bolero -- perfect choice. And ragtime -- rags, homeless people. Again, perfect! Congrats on introducing something (music) and pulling it all the way through the piece. Now, if I could only teach everyone else how this is done. *grin* Much Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3708 Registered: 07-2002 |
Steve, This is a strong piece. Just understated enough to highlight the poignancy. Well done. best, ljc (ps--you're right and she *is* the best editor on the planet. )Once in a Blue Muse Blog |
